Some aspects of life with children can only be described as, well, for lack of a better word, scary. And by scary I mean stomach churning, vomit-inducing and make-you-break-out-in-a-cold-sweat terrifying. What better time to laugh about the horror of it all than Halloween?
Take the classic barf-in-the-carseat scenario as an example…we’ve had one of those this week (hopefully you have NOT), and wow…scraping that stuff out of the non-removable parts and crevices and buckles…let’s just say doctors should send new parents home from the hospital with a haz-mat suit, a five gallon bucket of Clorox and a documentary on what things may come out of your child.
Last week we had a rip-off-your-diaper-and-poop-on-the-front-doormat incident that created a few poopy footprints and a bleachable moment for our wood floors and bathtub. That was a shocking first…if I make a documentary for new parents, I promise to include naked pooping toddlers squatting in a living room in the opening scene. They do exist!
What about the weird people in the grocery store with no boundaries? SCARY! I can’t speak for parents with only one child, but in my experience with taking twins out in public, every fourth person we pass wants to have a conversation with me about how their uncle’s dentist’s secretary had seven sets of twins…I’m all for polite small talk and don’t mind comments and an occasional question from a stranger, but there are some WEIRDOS who come out of the woodwork when they see me coming. I’ve had a three minute rant on how awful life with twin teenage girls will be and a woman who told me she wouldn’t wish infant twins on her worst enemy. Seriously…I wish I was making this up…talk about scary.
The full-blown toddler tantrums are just starting at our house, and I’m afraid. Very afraid. I told Munchkin 2 last week that I was out of bread and would make her sandwich on a tortilla, and my little tiny angel morphed into a screaming and kicking terror on the floor. We had the same scene after she learned last night she can’t fly like a bird…I never know what might bring on one of those terrifying meltdowns. It’s like living with a miniature and adorable version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde…
Honorable mention on the scary list belongs to the cabin-fever-like shakes and crazy eyes that can strike after spending too many hours alone with toddlers in the house. You know, that moment when you realize you asked your dog if he had a good day at work and you can’t remember the last meal you had that wasn’t composed of goldfish and chicken nuggets. It’s a scene straight out of The Shining minus the killing and creepiness. Scary. Super scary.
You can’t forget the classic poop-in-the-bathtub or the soaking-mom-in-so-much-barf-that-she-has-to-shower incidents. And a shout out most definitely belongs to the tarry meconium diapers and the crusty umbilical cord stump from the early days.
What terrifying parenting moments would you add to the list?