Potty training twins has most likely shortened my life by approximately 10 years, give or take a few decades. The chaos and stress of it all was not something I was prepared for by any means, and I have written the following training guide to help any parents of multiples to be ready to tackle the job.
- Bring two puppies, preferably thirsty ones with small bladders, into your home. Follow them around the house with a cleaning rag and some cleaners for both your carpet and couches. Do this for 10-12 hours a day. Between cleaning up the messes, sit with them outside for 10 minutes every hour, begging them to potty like big dogs.
- Borrow a feces-throwing monkey to join in the fun at least once a day, preferably during a time when you are trying to get something done. Practice cooking dinner or making phone calls and then frantically dropping everything at the first whiff of monkey poo. Continue to clean up after the puppies at the same time.
- Find a screeching parrot or small child who will loudly scream, “I went potty!” at a startling volume and ear-piercing tone each time one of the puppies or the monkey has an accident. Train the child or parrot to continue to scream until the entire mess is cleaned.
- Buy three large chickens, preferably ones which can wear a pair of toddler panties, and turn them loose in your house. Four times a day, practice chasing the chickens and putting toddler panties on them while cleaning up after the puppies and the monkey. (I suggest three chickens so that when you are only chasing two toddlers, it will feel somewhat easier.)
- Have someone walk around your house with a cup of water, spilling a little bit in several different places on your carpet or floors. Walk around barefoot while trying to accomplish another task, like picking up the house or running the vacuum, and see if you can find and clean up all of the surprise wet spots you feel with your feet.
- Buy some small stickers like the kind with which you might reward your future potty training twins, and stick at least four entire pages all over your clothes, furniture, sheets and walls. Make sure to put a few in unexpected places like your husband’s work shirt for extra realistic surprises.
- Do three additional loads of laundry a day.
- Stay home for one full week with the puppies, monkey, chickens and screeching child or parrot until you either lose your mind or the puppies start using the potty successfully at least half of the time.
I wish you the best of luck with potty training your twins. Do not ask me for advice. Although my twins are more or less potty trained now (thank you, Lord), we survived only by the skin on our teeth. I have nothing to offer except the above mentioned list and an extra chicken.