With the season finale of ABC’s “The Bachelor” coming up next week, I am a coldhearted cynic who doesn’t feel terribly sorry for the girls who have been sent home. Haven’t they seen the show? The odds of winning Mr. I’m-So-Dreamy’s heart are a mere 1 in 25, and the proposal at the end of the season rarely ends in a marriage. Yet I keep watching every year. It’s also highly addicting. (Don’t judge. You know you watch it, too.)
So, here are ten reasons why I will highly discourage my little ladies from ever choosing to go on “The Bachelor.”
- Although it’s romantic and over-the-top to ride horses along the beach in St. Lucia or cruise around Miami on a private yacht, dates like those are “inorganic” and created for the audience. You are just playing a piece in a producer-created event which is designed to get ratings. A real date which is orchestrated by the man who is after your heart will be so much more meaningful, even if it’s not fit for national television.
- With only a dozen or so dates, no matter how dreamy or exotic those dates may be, you won’t get to know someone’s true personality. Seeing how a man responds to an unexpected bill or phone call to his grandmother is much more telling about his character than how he rappels down a cliff in Jamaica while shirtless.
- The odds are seriously stacked against you. With 24 (or 26 this season) other girls vying after the heart of the same man, chances are you will NOT be the winner.
- When you are rejected (as you have a 96 percent or higher chance to be), you deserve better than being humiliated on national television. Your tears and your emotions are too special to be used as a ratings ploy.
- America is cruel. You are too valuable to be subjected to criticism from a national television audience who doesn’t know you or your heart.
- The metaphors are ridiculous. Every situation, whether bungee jumping or plunging into an icy pond, is somehow connected to an idiotic symbol of love. “Stirring this hot chocolate with Juan Pablo reminds me of how my heart is being stirred and warmed up to the idea of falling in love.” Bleh. You deserve more.
- You need a man who is going to have eyes for you only. If he’s off kissing three or four other girls in the minutes before he comes to woo you, he needs to be punched squarely in the jaw before you run far away and never look back.
- Your heart is too precious to be shared until you know it’s with a man who will cherish it and share your emotions. Too many women share their hearts with Mr. Bachelor prematurely because they feel pressured to make sure he knows they are here for “the right reasons.”
- The Bachelor himself may not always be on the show for “the right reasons.” You might be giving your heart to a fame-hungry and fortune-seeking man.
- Love will find you somehow, some way, without throwing yourself shamelessly at a beefy guy on a reality television show with all of America watching. Trust me–there are many great men out there who will move mountains some day to win you over, and you’ll be so glad you saved your heart for one of them instead.