The Perpetual Search for Perfect Swimwear

Swimsuit shopping with my new “mom” body has been quite a nightmare…can you relate? Here’s this week’s post for the Greeley Moms:

http://www.greeleytribune.com/news/feature3/11513152-113/mom-swimwear-swimsuit-moms

What do you think? Have you had a similar experience? Thanks for reading and sharing!

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Puppies, Chickens and Monkeys: Preparing to Potty Train Twins

Potty training twins has most likely shortened my life by approximately 10 years, give or take a few decades. The chaos and stress of it all was not something I was prepared for by any means, and I have written the following training guide to help any parents of multiples to be ready to tackle the job.

  1. Bring two puppies, preferably thirsty ones with small bladders, into your home. Follow them around the house with a cleaning rag and some cleaners for both your carpet and couches. Do this for 10-12 hours a day. Between cleaning up the messes, sit with them outside for 10 minutes every hour, begging them to potty like big dogs.
  2. Borrow a feces-throwing monkey to join in the fun at least once a day, preferably during a time when you are trying to get something done. Practice cooking dinner or making phone calls and then frantically dropping everything at the first whiff of monkey poo. Continue to clean up after the puppies at the same time.
  3. Find a screeching parrot or small child who will loudly scream, “I went potty!” at a startling volume and ear-piercing tone each time one of the puppies or the monkey has an accident. Train the child or parrot to continue to scream until the entire mess is cleaned.
  4. Buy three large chickens, preferably ones which can wear a pair of toddler panties, and turn them loose in your house. Four times a day, practice chasing the chickens and putting toddler panties on them while cleaning up after the puppies and the monkey. (I suggest three chickens so that when you are only chasing two toddlers, it will feel somewhat easier.)
  5.  Have someone walk around your house with a cup of water, spilling a little bit in several different places on your carpet or floors. Walk around barefoot while trying to accomplish another task, like picking up the house or running the vacuum, and see if you can find and clean up all of the surprise wet spots you feel with your feet.
  6. Buy some small stickers like the kind with which you might reward your future potty training twins, and stick at least four entire pages all over your clothes, furniture, sheets and walls. Make sure to put a few in unexpected places like your husband’s work shirt for extra realistic surprises.
  7. Do three additional loads of laundry a day.
  8. Stay home for one full week with the puppies, monkey, chickens and screeching child or parrot until you either lose your mind or the puppies start using the potty successfully at least half of the time.

I wish you the best of luck with potty training your twins. Do not ask me for advice. Although my twins are more or less potty trained now (thank you, Lord), we survived only by the skin on our teeth. I have nothing to offer except the above mentioned list and an extra chicken.

A Toddler, a Bathroom and a Bald Spot: Why You Shouldn’t Text and Parent

Three seconds of distraction turned into two inches of sweet, soft baby hair on the floor, one big bald spot on my toddler and one extra nomination for parent of the year for this mama.

Oops.

Before I tell you this tragic tale of texting and parenting, I will assure you NO toddlers were injured in the least bit during this incident–not a drop of blood or a single tear was shed by the child. I, on the other hand, did not fair as well. Watching a chunk of beautiful baby hair which took a whopping TWO years to grow is an absolute travesty which warrants a few tears. I digress.

We were all in the girls’ favorite place in the house, mama’s bathroom, while I was trying to get myself ready. I’d estimate I spent two-thirds of my time asking the girls to take this thing out of their nose and put this one back in the drawer and only one-third actually accomplishing anything. (After a year of this frustration, you’d think I’d have baby proofed my bathroom, but that would be too easy. I clearly prefer a parenting challenge.)

A text came in on my phone, and I grabbed it to fire off a quick reply. In the three seconds I was looking at the screen, one of the girls reached into a drawer and grabbed a tiny disposable trimming razor (which THANKFULLY had a plastic guard built around the blade).

She put the little trimmer up to her lovely head of not-so-much hair and said with a smile, “Look Mama, I can comb my hair like Ariel!”

Of course I looked up at this moment, gasped, and watched the most lovely lock of baby hair fall on the ground as she reached the tiny trimmer back up to her head.

Oh. My. Gosh.

Ninja-mom reflexes kicked in with a mix of horrid panic and thoughts of, “You just let your two year old shave her head!” as I threw the phone on the ground and grabbed the little trimmer.

We all three stared at the chunk of hair for a while. I was in tearful disbelief, and the girls were very insistent that mama should go to get the vacuum to clean up the mess.

Sigh.

The ironic part of it all is I had just glanced at an article about distracted parents and an increase in childhood injuries and thought to myself I was much better fit than all of those parents. Humble pie is not so great to swallow.

Luckily enough for my little lady, her hair color was pretty close to the color of my eyebrow defining pencil. No shame here. It was the least I could do to turn my epic parenting fail into a minor mishap.

Have your children ever gotten themselves into trouble while you were distracted? Please don’t let me think I’m alone in my shortcomings…

Here is the original link to this blog post on the Greeley Tribune.

http://www.greeleytribune.com/news/feature3/10272548-113/hair-girls-baby-mama

This Valentine’s Day, Show Twin Mamas a Little Love!

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When you have twins, any trip out in public seems to invite comments from complete strangers.  The grocery store, the library, a restaurant.  You name it, and I can promise it will be a place where someone has shared some tidbit of advice or something with me about my children.

Don’t get me wrong–I am so grateful for my babies, and I generally appreciate kindness and interest from fellow grocery shoppers or cashiers or waiters.  I get it!  My girls are sweet and you’d love to tell me.  Most of the time it doesn’t bother me and actually sometimes makes my day.

But there are those people out there who want to point out the negatives that come with having twins as if those of us who are twin parents DON’T have a clue what we have in store for us.

For example, yelling, “Oh, double trouble!” and nothing else when my grocery cart passes you in the store is just rude.  Tacky.  Inappropriate.

Just because “double” rhymes with “trouble” and is kind of catchy doesn’t mean you need to repeat it to me at any random moment while I’m minding my own business!  Sure, twins really can be double trouble, but for the most part, they aren’t any more “trouble” than your average kid.  Why not say something (if you really must comment) more along the lines of, “Double the love!”  or “Double the kisses” or “Double the hugs!”

One day someone actually had the gall to tell me, “I wouldn’t wish twins on my worst enemy.”

Crickets.

Really?  Who says that to anyone, much less a new mom?  I didn’t even know how to reply because I was so caught off guard by the rudeness.

Again, try saying, “You are so blessed,” or “What beautiful babies,” or “You are doing a good job.”

Please…think before you speak the next time you see a twin mom in public.  Valentine’s Day is as good of a day as any to show ALL moms of twins, singletons or more, a little love.

The Ultimate Broncos Sin…

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Dear Broncos Fans,

I owe you an apology.  A really big one.

You see, I’m not a Colorado native.  I’m a Texas girl, and I grew up watching the Cowboys with my dad on Sunday afternoons.  I’m learning to like orange and blue, and I even own a Broncos t-shirt.  (Notice that is singular, but I plan on buying a new one for the Super Bowl).

I tell you this so you’ll understand that, despite the huge mistake I made, I am really trying to join the Broncos Nation now.  I promise!

Before moving to Greeley back in 2007, my husband and I visited your beautiful state for job interviews and to look for housing.  We spotted a Texas Roadhouse and just couldn’t resist dining in a familiar restaurant.

Someone who really loves your team painted a mural in the front of the Greeley Texas Roadhouse, and it’s a big mural.  In case you haven’t seen it, the mural covers the entire wall in the waiting area near the entrance to the restaurant.  There are three big, tough guys on this mural, and they looked somewhat familiar to me.

While we were waiting on our table at Roadhouse, I stared at the mural for a while to try to figure out how I knew these guys.  The one in the middle looked especially familiar.

Then, it hit me.  Of course!  It was Troy Aikman, the famous quarterback from the years I was watching the Cowboys play back in the 1990’s.  I was so proud of my recognition skills that I loudly announced to my husband (and apparently many of the other patrons in the restaurant), “Hey!  It’s Troy Aikman!  Why is he on a painting in Greeley?”

I should have known when my husband shushed me with ninja-like speed and several people around me choked on their complimentary peanuts that I made a huge mistake, but I didn’t realize how grave it was until later.

“Mel! That’s John Elway!” Dustin whispered while looking around to make sure his potential employers weren’t in the crowd to hear his wife’s public insult.  “He’s like Colorado royalty!”

Oops.

I gulped and stared down at my shoes for a while in hopes we wouldn’t be kicked out of the restaurant.  Who knew?  Both quarterbacks have nicely chiseled jawlines and really could be identical twins, right?

So, Broncos fans, now that I have lived here for almost 7 years and understand how passionate you all are about your football, I understand why that was such a big deal.  I can now recognize Elway and of course Peyton Manning, and I’m working on learning a few other players in time for the Super Bowl.

I think I may even make some flash cards and some sort of Guess Who? game with the players’ faces so I can be slightly more proficient in my Broncos knowledge for the future.  I’ll even add John Elway in there for good measure.

Please accept my deepest condolences.

Sincerely,

Your Newest Fan